a not so gentle breeze blows across the planes… across an open ocean for 4,000 or so miles, only to find its place striking against a nervous monkey, eager but frightened to travel to the place of his origin.
“do you feel it…” he asks me gently, feeling the weight of the upcoming motions of a life he is quite tepid to begin to journey down, “…it is all around us Dad”.
I too feel the pull from across the Pacific… it will be soon enough I know. I need to stay focused, clear in purpose. There is no turning back now, though Tiberius doesn’t know that. I have made the leap. It is beginning.
“I feel it too, Tiberius, it will be soon now.”
It has been a while since I have thought about my time in Japan… both of my past and my future.
Since I have returned, life has seemingly moved forward quicker than my consciousness can render. It is as if the multiple timelines of my Universe, the vast array of choice within the very essence of creation itself, has started to blur and transpose, causing me to feel spread across my reality and question the very distinction of that which has happened… and that which has yet to.
There has been so much confusion of late, so much raw emotion and unsuspected ‘new beginnings’ I wonder as to the man I am becoming. There seems to be a subjugation of my mind, a balancing act part of me is losing, a memory that seems to be fading from the perfect tangibility it once prominently held.
The daemon desire has again crept into my life, tempting me with fertile earth for which to inspire my devotion.
Hello kitty… oh how did I forget.
Mt Fuji, from 15,000 feet. | Artist rendering.
in the very heart of the city
Would you care to wager?
No, I would not. It would have been a wager I lost.
I have made many wagers in my life… but honestly, as an adult, I tend to no longer ‘take bets’. For me, even 1% is just too much probability. I have been so viciously and ruthlessly reminded that life can pull off the unimaginable that it is no longer shocking. Murphy’s Law… Occam’s razor… call it what you may, there was a time when I knew… knew …without any doubt in my mind, that I would never want a child again.
“Would you wager now…. that you would like another little boy or girl?” Tiberius needles at me as I am writing this blog.
“What’s the over under?” I respond mockingly.
I calculate that I have 2 roads ahead of me; [with many many offshoots, and many more…] but two major roads in front of me as I start 2017: the one that I am planning for, & the one that the Universe may give me regardless of all of my focus and effort in the planned future.
“I want a Japanese baby!”
“Where did that comes from Tiberius?” I state shockingly.
There was a long pause.
“I miss my Buddy…” he says as his buttons start to gather condensation, “…and a cute little Japanese baby would go a long way in making me happy.”
“Oh I don’t make you happy, Tiberius?” I frame pseudo-shockingly.
“No!” he tantrums.
“Hahahaha. I love you too Buddy!”
But I know what he means. If you could have walked with us through Japan, had seen the little ones trotting around to school, to church, to temple or just downtown, it is soooo hard not to want a little more kawaii in your life.
There are no lines to read between, oh Beautiful. You know my stated intentions. I know what I want, which is to say I know I do not get to chose what I want, I do not get the agency for understanding the journey I am on, just like the rest of us. That is why this is so funny, to be blogging about a time when I thought I could actually fix my future, to the time now where everyone who has ever told me “never say never!” rings in my ears as I smile knowing that something inside of me has always been that transparent.
“I am ready now. I see you wandering beside me, ready to knock me off my stated goals. So I challenge you, dear lover, find me a different today… I dare you.” – Tiberius challenges to the world.
When Tiberius and I were in Disneyland Paris, we chuckled at the cute way in which the French women would say the name ‘Nemo’. Here in America, we pronounce it like you are saying the word for “knee” & the name “Moe”. They pronounced it “Nem” as in “Nemesis” & the name “Moe”. Slight and subtle distinction, but highly noticeable… and oddly adorable.
Here in Disneyland Japan… they say the same.
“Although… I have no idea what she is saying!” said Tiberius jokingly… 😉
We needed a smile today.
The World On a String
“That is one handsome little monkey…” I hear from a shy admirer in the distance, telling this or that friend the nature of the little devil I have strapped to the front of me. So much attention does this little monkey receive, so out of the ordinary he usually is.
After a few minutes on the plane ride from Beijing to Tokyo, the woman next to me on the flight asked if I talked to him like he was a person all the time.
Blank stares ensued.
“How dare she!,” rants Tiberius.
“I know, Buddy. I know.”
Conveniently, her headphones were already in… but don’t tell Tiberius that.
Thursday | November 24th 2016 | -122.052218 – 37.908984
As I look back…
Tiberius and I have begun to look back at our trip to Japan as one of the defining moments of our lives. Everything that will come next, will be a direct result of that trip. It was not easy, it was not without great sacrifice; for what we have given up, what we willingly have released back into the Universe is the very essence of the belief that inspired us to have gone on the trip in the first place. To begin again from the inside out, to be truly inspired by the awe that is in our world right around every corner… forever tempting us to be bold and brave and always believe! Always. This is what Tiberius and I found in Hiroshima, and again caught glimpses of in Kyoto: the willingness to always believe.
So today, I (before mentioned meat bag) will give my thanks for the many beloved and precious memories I have of this day in years past, and lifetime pasts, and futures forward… of Turkey cake choppings, sword bread cutting, super mashy-mashers, or frozen beasts wrapped in netting. So many precious pieces to the story that is my life; so many tomorrows dreamt about and yesterdays hardly remembered… all leading me here, to this moment, to this place.
“I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual.” – Henry David Thoreau
I am so very grateful to have had such pleasant opportunities for pleasant memories. I have been so very lucky in this life, so very blessed and gifted on many levels. I feel grossly undeserving of such a journey, of such times of pure joy, purpose and hope… and times with family, friends, loved ones and forgotten ones.
I have friends who this day are no longer here to be thankful for what we still have and can take for granted… LIFE!
But I think my choice this year to simply reminisce, to purposefully distance myself from my world and the ground that is around me… is yet another manifestation of my need to continue to envision the reality of spending next year at this time in Japan. I know it seems like that would entice me to want to spend more time with my loved ones here and now. But that is the funny thing about what the trip actually did to me: Make me give thanks everyday. I have made my reality of this next year seeing those people, spending that time, strentghening the bonds I will need to get me through the next year and beyond without their being down the street, or the town over. I will be an ocean away, on a path far from anyone in this reality I have now can understand. (well, except you Tiberius)
“To give thanks in solitude is enough. Thanksgiving has wings and goes where it must go. Your prayer knows much more about it than you do.” – Victor Hugo
There was that one Thanksgiving in Reno…
Caught on a frozen day in a frozen storm, work allowing me the time since I was already in Reno… how different the man I was back then. Almost ten years have past, and all contacts forgotten and bridges burned, no longer in my daily thoughts or part of my routine. No triggers in this timeline, yet another reason to not be in the place were you walked another path.
But there are shots like this one below in the catalog that make me realize one inevitable truth… I have always had my ‘vision’, I have always been able to capture the Beautiful as I saw her manifesting in the world in front of me. This picture was taken almost a decade ago… but she is there, hiding coyly in form and sensually in curve! She is there, right there!
That year, so long ago, spent with then good friends, good food, and great joyous libations…
- while the soundtrack rattled in the background YouTube | Weezer – Holiday
- and the apples fell to water (alhambra)
- while the table ribbed for festivities (on her shoulders)
- consumed the butter organic (bubble butter)
- oranges and butterflies
And that was always the problem with the Dutchess and Jonathon, together they were trouble.
and now some humor… to lighten the mood. oh 2017, what a year you will be for me!
No, it is not at all what you think. Yes, some are memories, but no, I have no expectation.
I lost that, remember Tiberius.
“Oh… you were talking to me?”