Would you care to wager?
No, I would not. It would have been a wager I lost.
I have made many wagers in my life… but honestly, as an adult, I tend to no longer ‘take bets’. For me, even 1% is just too much probability. I have been so viciously and ruthlessly reminded that life can pull off the unimaginable that it is no longer shocking. Murphy’s Law… Occam’s razor… call it what you may, there was a time when I knew… knew …without any doubt in my mind, that I would never want a child again.
“Would you wager now…. that you would like another little boy or girl?” Tiberius needles at me as I am writing this blog.
“What’s the over under?” I respond mockingly.
I calculate that I have 2 roads ahead of me; [with many many offshoots, and many more…] but two major roads in front of me as I start 2017: the one that I am planning for, & the one that the Universe may give me regardless of all of my focus and effort in the planned future.
“I want a Japanese baby!”
“Where did that comes from Tiberius?” I state shockingly.
There was a long pause.
“I miss my Buddy…” he says as his buttons start to gather condensation, “…and a cute little Japanese baby would go a long way in making me happy.”
“Oh I don’t make you happy, Tiberius?” I frame pseudo-shockingly.
“No!” he tantrums.
“Hahahaha. I love you too Buddy!”
But I know what he means. If you could have walked with us through Japan, had seen the little ones trotting around to school, to church, to temple or just downtown, it is soooo hard not to want a little more kawaii in your life.
There are no lines to read between, oh Beautiful. You know my stated intentions. I know what I want, which is to say I know I do not get to chose what I want, I do not get the agency for understanding the journey I am on, just like the rest of us. That is why this is so funny, to be blogging about a time when I thought I could actually fix my future, to the time now where everyone who has ever told me “never say never!” rings in my ears as I smile knowing that something inside of me has always been that transparent.
“I am ready now. I see you wandering beside me, ready to knock me off my stated goals. So I challenge you, dear lover, find me a different today… I dare you.” – Tiberius challenges to the world.